Scorpio

I’m trying to get back into the habit of doing photo shoots like this again. In years past I’d be out with my camera and tripod almost every weekend, rain, shine, or bitter cold; looking through my archives at all of the beautiful pictures I’ve gotten, I’m really proud of how long I’ve been at it, and of how good I’ve gotten at it. Before I worked with other photographers, I always thought that having someone else take my picture would make things so much faster/easier/better, but surprisingly it’s not! That’s not a knock on anyone else’s skills - most of the folks I’ve worked with are technically just as good or better than I am - but knowing my angles, and being able to look at every shot as I take it and correct what’s not working rather than relying on someone else’s direction, is still an invaluable asset in terms of getting the photos that I want.

Self-reliance is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. In some ways I’m a very independent person - I live alone, don’t mind eating out or going to the movies alone, know how to do most of the big adult stuff like file taxes or plan a vacation alone. And yet, emotionally I need a lot from the people around me. I worry a lot about if and how much the people that I love love me back, and if I’m being who and what they need me to be, and if I’m giving them as much as they give me and vice versa.

Sometimes I’d like to leave all of my relationships behind, to ghost all the fuckers and pull my limbs and head inside my shell like a turtle. To be alone is to be safe. To rely on other people is to set yourself up for pain and loss when those people inevitably let you down.

But that’s a scorpion’s logic, the mind of a hard shelled stinging thing, and I want to be soft and open. Madder Mortem sing to “hold your heart out til it bleeds,” and I’m trying to become strong enough to do that.